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Don't fool yourself. This was never a technical question. Of course having a joint account makes sense: they are super-efficient, streamline expenses and force financial discipline. We all know that (at least we should). It is the idea behind opening a joint account with the partner that is disconcerting — that thing about sharing money?
Saints and diehard romantics vehemently deny feeling the twinge. But all other lesser mortals can't help the queasy feeling in the gut when it comes to pooling resources. Let's admit it, we love our money more than we think. And in a relationship, monetary transactions go beyond give and take. They reflect the balance of power between partners. That often matters more than hard cash.
Grandmas rubbish power equations and espouse the all-or-nothing philosophy: if married, both partners have a 100% stake in everything each owns. That includes money — all of it. If the oldie gang had its way, married children would divert entire salaries into one common cache.
But you can't grudge them this oversimplification: they were the likely beneficiaries of the first wave of liberalisation in India when the man deigned to open a joint account with the woman who kept house. And marriages were a different species then.
Division of Labour
Today unions are not always marriages. They could be live-in relationships, friendships with benefits or long courtships. All the types comprise two independent individuals, both of whom earn a living and desperately need "personal space". That space includes money.
Counsellors say control over finances is perhaps the most important tool to assert individualism. So when a squabbling couple comes for help, no matter the problem, they probe the money arrangement between the two. It rips open the relationship, warts and all.
So why do modern-day urban couples prefer to split responsibilities than pool in the money they earn? He pays the EMIs and she looks after household expenses. School fees are on his task-list, children's clothes on hers. Sometimes down to, he gets the booze, she buys party crackers.
Money Matters
When confronted, couples come up with vague responses that can be best deciphered as: it is messy. The explanations span social and psychological differences: we come from different backgrounds or our approach to money is poles apart. He is a tight git and I like to live large. A joint account is deemed a potpourri that would make them face their differences. This is strictly avoidable.
Do separate accounts ensure there are no fights over money? "Of course we argue, but I am sure the frequency and intensity would escalate if the money was pooled," says an indignant one-half of a couple that wishes to remain anonymous.
The truth, however, lies beyond the fights. Relationship experts pin it down as trust. This nebulous concept becomes a reality when we need to part with or share our most precious possessions. And money tops the list.
Mine vs Yours
Very few partners have the confidence that the other half will handle the money the way they want. They fear the latent premise of 'mine versus yours' will surface. And neither gender can claim a moral high ground on this one.
A woman married for 12 years confides: "I am afraid he'll spend my money on funky gadgets that he'll rarely use." Doesn't the husband question her spending? "He jokes about how I can spend my entire salary on eating out. We have divided the bills among us, so these are light-hearted conversations. Imagine if he were to spend thousands on some fancy toy and I got the SMS (from a joint account)? I would be mad."
The Way Out
A couple due to get married in February admits going through the first sulk-periods over who is spending what. "Technically, we are coming together as one cohesive unit. But she thinks I can spend a fortune on the honeymoon while she is cautious about gifts. Why the double standards?" asks the man.
Would a combined marriage fund, in spirit akin to a joint account, sort out the problem? Not necessarily. It could lead to more questions: who puts in how much money? Should contributions be in the ratio of incomes? But don't both partners enjoy the benefits of expenses equally? The future of the set up may be more petty: are his cigars a household expense like my cheese?
In reality, what is bothering the groom-to-be is whether the close-fisted attitude of his fiancée is a measure of her affection. Is it possible to be madly in love yet hoggish about money?
Don't ask therapists or relationship experts for the answer. They don't offer an unqualified yes or no. But they do recommend the middle path: a joint account as the symbol of togetherness (route EMIs, rents and daily expenses through them,) and separate accounts for freedom and the sense of control. For in coupledom, perception matters more than reality.
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